Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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