Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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