I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
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