I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
