just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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