my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
