Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
