The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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