Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
