sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
