There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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