I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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