did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
