I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
