Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
