The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
