Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
