I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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