i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
