I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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