Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
