i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize