I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Randomize
