I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
