Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
