Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
