How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
