my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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