so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
