When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
