I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
