I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
