She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
