You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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