Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
