I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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