we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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