What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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