i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
