god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
