I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Are my feet made of real feet?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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