no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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