I'm pants shitting drunk right now
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize