the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
