Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
