I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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