i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
