if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
