i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
