Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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