i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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