shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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